Prison

Well, as of this morning I have lost 119 pounds!  Yay me!  We are going to the beach today and I'm not fretting about how I'm going to look, or what clothes I'm going to wear, what is going to fit, etc. etc. because things are either too big for me in my closet, or fit just right.  I haven't the largest selection of clothing, but I don't even care!  Haven't a clue what actual size I am right now, it changes weekly it seems and good clothes are expensive!  So I don't want to go and buy a bunch of stuff only to not fit in it in a short time.

That brings me to the subject at hand.  I had spent SO much time worrying about clothes, places, people, situations... on and on when it had to do with my weight.  So much so that it was just better to stay put at home.  It was a prison.  I see pictures of a friend of mine (she had bypass 2 years ago) that went to California last week.  Pictures of her on Venice Beach, wearing her 2 piece swimsuit, doing yoga on the hillside.  She would have NEVER had done that 100 pounds ago.  I know I'm not the only one.

I went with my little family to the circus the other night.  We had the best time.  I kept saying, 'I wouldn't have been here this time last year.'  ...and I wouldn't have.  I would have been able to climb the stairs all the way up the stadium, but I would have been out of breath and sweaty.  Those things didn't happen to me this time around.  The chair would have been really snug to the point of pain. The other night, I was comfy with room to spare.  I would have worried about people looking at me.  I didn't feel like I stood out too much, except for the fact that I'm a 5'10" lady in a sea of 5'5" ladies.  I would have worried about what I was going to wear.  I just threw on some clothes that were clean, I have no issues now with clothes being too tightish (that's my new word), I don't feel like I have to be in a tent of a shirt now.  Gosh, all the time I spent worrying. I'll never have it back

So, we are going on our yearly adventure to the beach today.  I'm not scared to not wear a shirt and shorts OVER my suit.  I'm not wearing a string bikini by any means-ha!-but Im not ashamed anymore.  Sure, I have some more weight to lose.  Sure, my thighs are not the tight Gisele Bündchen thighs that everyone strives for, but I have come a LONG way.  I have been released from a virtual prison.  And you know what?  Everyone in my family is better off for it.  :)

 

My babies :)

 

Pre-Circus selfie!

Empathy

Unfortunately, I have become very cynical about the human spirit.  That being said, I still go out of my way to help those that I see need it. I'm always hoping that in some small way, I'll start that butterfly effect of kindness. Pay it forward.  Don't be judgmental. You never know what someone is going through or what cross they bear in their life.

I have noticed a disturbing thing I'm doing, however.  I'm starting to judge people by what they have in their carts at the grocery store.  Especially the overweight.  What am I going to do?  Talk about the nutritional impact of a Brussels sprout versus the bag of chips they have in their cart?  I really hate that I do this.

I wonder how many people judged ME?

I'm feeling pretty good.

I was thinking this morning about how I feel.

It's to the point where I think people can notice that I've lost weight and they aren't just being nice when they say I look different.  That feels good.

My old clothes are REALLY looking baggy.  To where I cant really get away with wearing them anymore. That feels good.

I'm able to run more easily playing with my five year old, and my 14 year old for that matter, too.  That feels good.

I thought I was doing pretty well with endurance at my heaviest, and I was, but I'm able to walk for longer distances with less discomfort now.  That feels good.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am much healthier looking.  That feels good.

I cant feel my poor heart beating fast after I walk up the stairs.  That feels good.

All in all, I'm feeling good!  :)

Letting go

Well I have lost 94 pounds!  Hooray!

Something that has been going on that I feel inclined to write about is my obsession with Nirvana here lately.  Kurt Cobain specifically.

I was 18 or so when Nirvana became famous and supposedly 'changed the face of music' way back when.  I was a fan.  I thought Kurt and Krist were cuties,  I had their CDs, I rushed home from work to watch Unplugged, blah blah.  I always seemed to be working  or otherwise busy when they came around in concert, and I really regret not making time.  I never dreamed there potentially wouldn't BE another time.  I felt the betrayal when Kurt killed himself. That was a dark day.  I was in San Antonio at the time.  It's amazing the mark Nirvana left in just the short time they were popular.  Arguably, the Foo Fighters are way more successful, but that's a post for another time, and probably another blog too.  'Laura's adventures in alternative music' perhaps?

I digress. I watched Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck last week and realized that I really didn't know all that much about him.  So I started researching.  I'd be safe in saying with all the reading and movie watching I've done on Mr. Cobain, I am highly knowledgeable about him now.  I have even been through the gamut of emotions about it.  Again.  I have gone from sad (aww he killed himself), to questioning (This suicide stuff doesn't add up-Courtney MUST go down!  Wait...Why am I wasting so much of my time on this?), to anger (how DARE he be so selfish and take himself from his daughter and all the thousands (millions?-I have little faith in humanity) of people that really do care).  Anyways, the guy was a bipolar, creative, clinically depressed, anti-social Pisces.  Is it safe to say I identify a bit with him? You betcha.  He wanted out.  It all became too much.  The Music Industry machine making billions most certainly wasn't going to stop and God knows what it must have been like being married to ole Courtney-I'm sure that wasn't living up to expectations.  Any one of us can go down this path, and that he made it as long as he did untreated (back in '94 I think there was just Prozac and he allegedly had a bad reaction to it-you just needed to suck it up) actually makes him a little bit of a hero. 

What heroin was to him is what food is (or was) to me.

The other day I had a really upsetting thing that happened.  I cried for a few hours.  My pain was raw.  I had trouble dealing with it.  My mind was like a water hose with super high pressure just flitting around.  I couldn't make it stop.  I wanted to numb it.  I wanted food.  No, that's no good.  I wanted pain killers.  Wait, that's scary.  I wanted sleeping pills to just go to sleep.  Wait, that's scary too.  For the first time, I dealt with my pain without medicating myself with food.  Yay me!

I often think of a quote by Janet Fitch, “You've got to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.” I'm letting go.

RIP Kurt.

 

 

Rewards

Well, I have officially lost 85 pounds since August 2014 and 53 since January.  I want to do things to reward myself.  Just another little motivation on top of just feeling better!!  This got me to thinking...  what things would motivate me other than food?  I am compiling a list and I am not sure if I will use my surgery date weight or my total weight, but there will be fun to be had either way.  This list is a work in progress and I will add more as I think of more:

1.  Manicure
2. Weekend getaway with hubby
3.  Go to the movies (that's not a kids movie!)
4.  Flowers
5. New sandals
6. new pretty fun ring or bracelet
7.  Buy some yummy smelling lotion
8. Have my house cleaned by someone other than me
9.  Have some professional pictures made

One of my two favorite flowers:

Scary!

Cravings

I have been low in calcium.  I was taking the wrong calcium like a dum dum, but this has since been resolved.  Interestingly, I have been craving chips and pretzels... I never had before.  Even more interestingly, I found this on my online travels and look at what it says for chips...  I'll try the alternative healthy foods here  :)